Back on deck .. sort of!

After spending most of my life struggling with my weight, I finally decided to do something a bit more permanent about it than just fad diets and meal-replacement-shakes. I managed to lose 33kg on one of the shake programs but over time, I put nearly 40kg back on!

I had gastric-banding surgery done last Wednesday and came home from hospital yesterday. I probably could have come home on Thursday morning but was feeling a bit of a wuss so I stayed the extra night. I'm still a bit sore, which is to be expected after having people poking around in my insides, but overall I'm feeling a lot better than I thought I would.

Peter and the kids are being really supportive so now the rest is up to me...

Wish me luck!

Baby steps

I know what I need to do to lose weight but have just not had the motivation to follow through. Exercise just always seems like too much hard work and the numbers on the scale never seem to go in the direction I want them to. So ....

I have decided to focus less on losing weight and more on increasing my level of fitness.

It's the little things that are making a mental attitude difference. Things like encouraging myself to "move more" instead of "you must exercise"; giving myself permission to eat whatever I want and then finding out I usually don't want it after all; drink water before eating to see if I'm actually hungry or just thirsty; giving myself permission to not finish everything on my plate if I'm not hungry.

These things may seem rather simplistic or be something that others do normally, but for me this is a lightbulb moment. Hopefully these few small things will help to improve my overall attitude to food, fitness and my weight.

Baby steps .. you must walk (and buy a decent sports bra) before you can run!

Invisible woman .. part 2

To the insensitive clod at work:

I know I am a capable, intelligent person and I know that most people who know me see me that way...

And I realise that I am finally becoming more visible as a person and not just as a resource...

...but it still hurts that I seem to have lost my identity somewhere along the line. I know I'm overweight but that doesn't mean that I'm not a woman or that I don't have any feelings.

There are just some things that you don't say to a woman, even if you consider her a friend, and especially not in front of a room of people. The statements may be true, but please think before blurting out things like:

"Even fat chicks need loving. Isn't that right Donna?" and

"Why would a guy marry an overweight woman? There's got to be something better out there somewhere."

I know in my head that this is reflection of you and your attitudes, not of me personally, but the emotional response is far more powerful than the rational response will ever be.

I am just grateful that I am now a bit stronger than I was a few months ago and managed to hold it together enough to give you a glare that should have melted the paint off the wall behind you. Hopefully some of the power from that glare has permanently sterilised you or at least caused some lasting pain in your nether regions! (Then again, maybe that was caused by the rather severe verbal emasculation you received from numerous sources after sharing your little pearls of wisdom).

After thinking it through (and banning you from setting foot in my office ever again), I have come to the conclusion that I actually pity you and your small mind. You don't seem to realise how much you are depriving yourself of with attitudes like that. I wonder if your wife realises just how shallow you really are. Best of luck for the future because you are going to need it.

Yours sincerely,

An intelligent, caring, capable, accomplished woman

(despite my weight!)

In the mood for unloading ...

See, I knew this would be an interesting can of worms to open.

I don't know if it's the fact that most of the "real" people I know will probably never read this, or if I really don't care if they do, but now I have the urge to just pour it all out. Warning, this could get long, involved and possibly messy!! I have issues .. lots of them .. the main ones being depression and weight.

I have suffered with low-grade depression for years, many of them without realising it was a medical condition and not just my warped perception of the world. I feel really, really bad that I don't remember most of my boys' early years due to PND, and that I'm still riding the roller coaster of emotions, which is bound to be affecting them and their world view. Medication helps, but it's still there. I can remember my mother riding the same roller coaster, and not knowing what to expect at times. My mother says she can remember her mother doing the same thing. I just hope and pray that I haven't passed this on to my boys. Mum's brothers are fine so there's hope yet ... or maybe they just don't talk about it. Every silver lining has a cloud...

Part of the reason for me feeling invisible is that I'm fat. Not just a couple of kilos overweight kind of fat. Morbidly obese, according to the height/weight and BMI charts. Have you ever noticed how normal/thin people don't look fat people in the face or the eyes? It's very isolating. I'm not seen as a woman, I'm just the "go-to" person .. the person you go to when you need help or answers or, in the case of the kids, food/clothes/toys. I know the reason why I'm too fat .. too much comfort eating, not enough movement .. but I still self-sabotage every step of the way. I'm working on it, but it's really hard. My boys love me, as does my very patient husband, but I don't love me the way I am. Something else I'm working on ...

Okay, now I've got that off my chest, I will lighten the mood a bit from here on in. Thanks if you stayed with me this far .. if there's even anybody reading.