Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Dear Donna,


It's me, the Universe, just checking in to find out whether you liked yesterday's version of 'Messed-up Monday'.

Some points for future reference:
  • If you really are that tired that you feel you must go back to bed at 9am, may I suggest that you set your alarm for an hour later so you don't sleep the entire morning away, then wake in a panic thinking the children are still at home and now you have to .. shock horror .. drive them to school, even though they only have 3 hours of lessons left.
  • While you are stressing about the above possibility, it would be good to check if the dog is lying on the floor next to the bed, before leaping out of it like a demented hippo and frightening him so much he barks at you in pure self defense. You really are lucky he didn't bite you considering he jumped further in the air than any poodle cross should be able to.
  • On days you know you are going to need the car to run numerous errands, it would be wise to check whether 'Mr Nobody' has left the interior light on again! That way you can avoid the whole dismantle-the-battery-fixtures-so-you-can-charge-the battery thing, as well as the now-what-the-hell-should-I-do syndrome that follows soon after, as you resign yourself to at least another hour at home. You could have done housework but I can see how that would take second place to reading a book you've already read at least 6 times.
  • Now I realise that you were kind of limited in your time frame for doing the shopping and errands, but heading for the biggest local shopping centre during the lunchtime rush and expecting to get in and out of there in under half an hour was really pushing it. Yes, I did arrange for Target and Woolworths to be full of dawdling, chatting, blocking-the-aisle kind of shoppers, as well as checkout operators moving slower than the wettest week in school holidays at just that time, all to help you learn this valuable lesson.
  • Relying on the clock in your car to advise you of the time, on a day when you had important appointments, probably wasn't the best idea either. I just loved the look on your face when you finally realised that, far from being slow as you would expect after the battery being flat, it was actually 30 minutes fast! I just live for those sort of looks. "Smile you're on Candid Camera: Universe edition!"
  • When attending your youngest son's parent-teacher afternoon, it is probably wise to make sure you read some of his self-assessment before answering the question "So does Bradley get his self-assessment skills from you?" I'm sure it delighted you no end to see such comments as: "I'm really a curious boy at heart, so I ask lots of questions." and (when asked about whether or not he was a risk-taker) "Well, making mistakes is how we learn. Right?" as well as "I'm a good friend but I only do the right thing about half of the time." I'm sure you'll get right on that 'half-the-time' business. After all, that's barely a D. Surely you can help him increase that to at least a B by the end of next term.
  • On the topic of your youngest son, did you like the not-so-little surprise he left you .. in the bathroom, the toilet, the laundry, the linen cupboard and all down the hallway to the bedrooms? Bet you didn't think it was possible to flood half the house only using the shower, did you? Oh and didn't you just looove all those bubbles from the third of a bulk size bottle of body wash? Oh, come on! You know you needed to mop the floor. Bet you didn't think you'd have to do it four times though; one after the other! Think of the exercise you got then and the further exercise you'll get from washing, hanging out, folding and putting away just about every towel in the house .. all 26 of them! I know I could have got the middle boy to tell you before 8:30pm but where's the fun in that? You probably would have stopped the water before it got to the carpets in the bedrooms if I'd done that.
  • Realising the dishwasher was feeling left out, I thought I'd better get it some attention too. Was two floodings in one night too much? Really? OK then. I'll remember that for next time. (Note to self: she really doesn't appreciate me trying to help her get the floor mopping done. Think of new things to try.)
  • This last one probably was a bit cruel but technically, it was Tuesday. I mean, you know the bin is collected before 6 am every Tuesday. It's not my fault that you don't surface before 6:30 these days. And it's not my fault that I reminded you that you forgot to put the bin out at 1am; I was just trying to help. And it's most definitely not my fault that the dog got out the gate and led you a merry chase across the neighbour's yard resulting in you needing to have another shower before getting back into bed at 2am. And not my fault that the dog was then awake for the next hour, scratching at the back door, whining to get inside. Oh no, you're not pinning that one on me! Mind you, I suppose I just pinned that one on me, didn't I?

Think of it all this way, the week can only get better from here. I mean, you don't have that much to do. Just pack bags for the two boys going away with their father, finish washing all those towels, wash all the other mountains of washing, make 20 jelly cups with fruit for Bradley's school thing on Thursday, chase Alex to finish his S&E homework that was due last week, the usual housework, Easter shopping, arrange flowers from your MIL for her mother's birthday, sort out the bombsite that is your kitchen, have the two older boys at Midland train station by 6:30am on Thursday with the appropriate forms and bags and then drop the other one off at school with his 20 jelly cups and have morning tea with Debbie and Jackie on Wednesday. That last one should make up for all the rest! Enjoy your week and I'll be in touch soon!

Thinking of you often (as I laugh myself stupid!),

The Universe

No comments: