Friday, 8 February 2008

In the mood for unloading ...

See, I knew this would be an interesting can of worms to open.

I don't know if it's the fact that most of the "real" people I know will probably never read this, or if I really don't care if they do, but now I have the urge to just pour it all out. Warning, this could get long, involved and possibly messy!! I have issues .. lots of them .. the main ones being depression and weight.

I have suffered with low-grade depression for years, many of them without realising it was a medical condition and not just my warped perception of the world. I feel really, really bad that I don't remember most of my boys' early years due to PND, and that I'm still riding the roller coaster of emotions, which is bound to be affecting them and their world view. Medication helps, but it's still there. I can remember my mother riding the same roller coaster, and not knowing what to expect at times. My mother says she can remember her mother doing the same thing. I just hope and pray that I haven't passed this on to my boys. Mum's brothers are fine so there's hope yet ... or maybe they just don't talk about it. Every silver lining has a cloud...

Part of the reason for me feeling invisible is that I'm fat. Not just a couple of kilos overweight kind of fat. Morbidly obese, according to the height/weight and BMI charts. Have you ever noticed how normal/thin people don't look fat people in the face or the eyes? It's very isolating. I'm not seen as a woman, I'm just the "go-to" person .. the person you go to when you need help or answers or, in the case of the kids, food/clothes/toys. I know the reason why I'm too fat .. too much comfort eating, not enough movement .. but I still self-sabotage every step of the way. I'm working on it, but it's really hard. My boys love me, as does my very patient husband, but I don't love me the way I am. Something else I'm working on ...

Okay, now I've got that off my chest, I will lighten the mood a bit from here on in. Thanks if you stayed with me this far .. if there's even anybody reading.

2 comments:

Lita said...

Oh Donna, you must be my twin. I have tears streaming down my face, because I know exactly how all o fthat feels, and I am so so sorry that you are feeling this. I'm sending huge {{{HUGS}}} your way, and wishing I could help. Don't hesitate to call on me if there is ever anything I can do :)

Donna said...

Thanks Lita. You guys over on the ANZ board have helped more than you'll ever know already. Just knowing there are other people out there that are listening is a great comfort... even if you are all axe-murderers! LOL
Now that I've got all that crap out in the open, I going to try to focus more on the positive side of life.