One step forward ...

... and five steps back again!

Alex has been suspended from school .. again .. for having an altercation with another student. He is four years older than the other child, along with a few other factors that I would rather keep to myself, so the school has taken a rather dim view of things and suspended him for five days. We are very lucky that he wasn't just expelled this time, especially given his past history.

I totally understand the school's view on this and am in total agreement with the punishment, but I am struggling with what to do about his continuing impulse control issues. I have tried to seek a referral to a different doctor, to see whether changing medications or dosages would help but they are all so busy, we'll be waiting a while for an appointment, even with private health insurance.

When I went to pick him up from the school, I was able to have a 'chat' with him before the deputy principal came in. I didn't yell, threaten dire consequences or rant and rave. I simply sat down and told him how disappointed I was to receive another call from the school when he had been doing so well. I told him how using the excuse of "I have a bad temper" just wouldn't cut it in the real world after school and doesn't even cut it now.

It was about this point that I began to cry as I talked him through my fears of having a phone call or a visit from the police to say that they had him in custody for seriously hurting or killing someone. Or that he himself had been injured or killed as a result of an argument probably started over something small. And that I wasn't sure what to do to help him as I can't be there to watch over him every second of every day 'just in case'.

Please don't get me wrong .. I'm not trying to paint him as the innocent victim in all of this (not by any stretch of the imagination!) and am extremely grateful to the school for taking mitigating factors into consideration. I'm just at my wit's end and am totally out of ideas of what to do to help. I'm so tired of this constant fight with the world because most of the time it feels like I'm fighting him and not allowing him to just 'be'. I feel like I'm constantly having to defend his right to even be here.

I know that we all have to conform to a certain degree to survive in society and I'm scared that he won't be able to do it. I'm scared that he will always be like this and will be bounced from one bad situation to another and not have the skills to get himself out. I'm scared that he will end up being in the wrong place at the wrong time, because he can be so easily led down the wrong path without even realising it.

I'm terrified that I'm failing him; that I'm not doing enough to help him get the right skills to deal with these sorts of situations. That I should have pushed harder and earlier for help. That I should have done this or that differently. That I should just let him figure these things out on his own (but given the severity of this incident, that isn't really an option.) That it's all too hard and I want to just scream "Stop the world! I want to get off!!"

And then I look around me and see how I don't have it anywhere near as bad as some others. And I think I should be grateful that he is healthy, (overly) verbal, mainstream schooled, intelligent, capable, wonderful, loving, helpful and all the other good things that make him who he is .. and I am grateful. He is who he is, I love him and I will continue to fight for him.

I'm just so scared that I'm not enough and I won't be able to help him.

I'm just so tired of this battle.

Am I being unreasonable?

I have been stewing on this overnight and most of this morning and I need to know if I am being unreasonable in expecting my husband to take our children shopping to get me, their mother, a birthday present?

He has never been big on the whole present giving thing .. he says he never knows what to get me, which is a totally different issue .. but couldn't he have at least taken the boys out and let them pick something little or encouraged them to make something from the multitude of options available in the house? The usual excuse of 'I didn't have time to go to the shops' really doesn't ring true as he took two extra days off work this time (without telling me first) so that he would be home for my birthday.

Now I do appreciate that he made arrangements to do that, but given that he dislikes where he is working at the moment and doesn't want to be there anyway, and he has even admitted that it was convenient for him to stay home, it feels like he did that for his benefit, not mine. Yes, we did go out for lunch at the local food court (my choice), but that is something we do almost every time he is home. Yes, I was the one who didn't really want to go see a movie, because there is nothing on at the moment that really appealed as a must-see (for me or him).

At the risk of sounding materialistic and greedy, my birthday is one of the few times times a year I expect some sort of present to be purchased/made, wrapped in something other than newspaper and given to me with a smile. I would have loved a home-made cake decorated by the boys, a coupon book of things they would do without me having to nag, a magazine served up with a cup of tea or coffee or something along those lines. He said several times that he was planning on taking the boys out after school but something else always seemed to come up. Yes money is tight at the moment, but anything would have been nice! To receive nothing at all and to then have to remind two of the boys that it was even my birthday, cut a neat little chunk out of my heart.

I think what it comes down to for me, is that it really hurts that they think so little of me and all I do for them all. Everyone likes to be appreciated and this feels like they couldn't even be bothered to exert the effort to give me a slap in the face. He thinks I am 'pissed off' at him, which I suppose I am, but the overwhelming feeling at the moment is hurt and disappointment, which I have verbalised but I can't even look him in the face at the moment. He had gone back to work this morning before I got back from dropping the kids off at school and running a couple of short errands, so it has just been left hanging.

Anyway, back to the original question .. do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Blah ...

I'm feeling rather blah today. As a result I have achieved almost nothing and am extremely uninspired to change that.

I've had a headache for the last couple of days that has come and gone several times but is currently very much here and my eyeballs are starting to feel like they should be abandoning ship and taking my eardrums for company. (No, it's not swine flu!) No other symptoms apart from total apathy and lethargy, so I should be right as rain once I get some decent sleep.

Mum is going into hospital tomorrow to get her incarcerated hernia sorted out and I'll be taking her in. We have to be there before 7am so I'll be out of bed nice and early to make sure she's there on time. She's going to Murdoch SJOG, which is where she works, and she's used to leaving home at 8:40pm to be there for 8:55pm. She's asked me to pick her up at 6:45am tomorrow but I don't think she realises how much traffic there's going to be at that time of the morning. Oh well, I'll just do as I'm told then I can't get into trouble, right?

And now I have two children in tears ... again! It's like living with a couple of leaky taps!! I think they're both having hormone surges because they're getting upset over the silliest littlest things and are driving me insane in the process. Maybe they're just feeling blah too ..

Negativity

I have found myself being rather negative about a lot of things in my life lately (mostly work but what's new there?) and have been trying to work out why. It finally hit me today that all the things I'm being negative about are things or changes I can't control.

• new ordering system at work (which would work if everyone did things the way they're supposed to),
• people with a good work ethic applying to be transferred because they can't stand the inept management any longer (take me with you!!!!!),
• children growing up (and developing attitudes!),
• other people's attitudes (and lack of working brain cells),
• the neighbour's stupid little yappy dog that has taken to barking every night at 2am,
• not enough hours in the day (even with daylight savings),
• etc, etc, etc.

So I have decided to practice what I preach to so many others and use the 'rule of fives'. Will whatever I'm being negative/stressing/sarcastic about, matter in five minutes? Five hours? Five days? Five weeks? Five months? If the answer is yes, then take five deep breaths and deal with it in an appropriate manner. If the answer is no, take five deep breaths and ignore .. oops I mean deal with it ... in a humorous (if possible) manner.

I will not be a control freak .. I will not be a control freak .. I will not be a control freak .. lather, rinse, repeat as often as necessary.

Dreams...

I have heard that dreams are the subconscious mind's way of processing and dealing with things in our lives but why are they always so strange? Cows walking through your lounge room, children that fly and buildings that keep changing from houses you used to live into a very weird shopping centre. And the people in these dreams .. don't get me started on them!

Okay, maybe the cows are due to reading this blog at 10:30 at night and the flying kids thing was due to the trampolining display at the local shopping centre last week and I do work in retail, so some of the weirdos are inspired by that, but where do the rest of the strange things come from?
On a slightly different note: I've been having a lot of dreams about people from my past lately and it's starting to really get me down. There are quite a few things I wish I had done differently, or not at all, to these people and they aren't things I can fix or even apologise for as these people are no longer in my life. Mind you, these dreams are evolving and having very different outcomes to the original ones from even a few months ago. I suppose that means that I'm working through the issues associated with them. Either that or I'm really going crazy this time!

The hardest part of all these dreams is the feelings that come with them. I still carry a lot of guilt about the things I did and said which I know, rationally, is pointless yet I still do it. It's not just the guilt though. The wondering 'what if...' and the pain of lost love and respect isn't something I want to be reliving as often as I am right now. The feelings of a life lived a certain way because it was 'expected' or to avoid causing pain to anyone else, are not ones I'd wish on anyone else.

I'm just trying to work out, in the cold light of day, what exactly I'm supposed to have learned from all these experiences. The fact that I'm still having these dreams shows me that I haven't learned enough. Or maybe, they've reappeared because I need the reminder of past mistakes to stop me making the same ones now. Thoughts anyone?

Anyway, I'm off to hang out yet more washing while I finish pondering this problem and try to talk myself out of being so melancholy.

The company makes all the difference

Debbie and I had a scrapping afternoon yesterday.

I was feeling dreadfully uninspired and only managed to start, not even complete, 1 double page layout in 4 hours. Despite that, though, I had a great afternoon. It was so nice to be able to just sit and talk, or not talk as the case may be. There was no pressure to 'do' anything except enjoy each other's company. The company really does make all the difference.

Thanks Deb! You really lifted my spirits and I just wanted to let you know that you are a really wonderful person and I'm glad you're in my life.

SS Blog Challenge #15

Life Lessons - When was the last time you had a life lesson -- one that made you feel "BETTER" about "YOU"? It doesn't have to be a life altering lesson; it can be something small, it can be something very minor, but it must be a life lesson. And it must be a GOOD life lesson. What was it?

I don't know if this quite fits the challenge but I realised today that I am lovable and am doing a pretty good job of being a mostly 'single' parent (dh works away for two weeks out of three).

I went to pick the boys up from my Mum's house (she had them overnight and watched them today so I could have the skin cancer removed) and when I arrived, they all, even Alex, came running to give me a hug and tell me how much they missed me. They were only gone from 6:30pm last night to 4pm today but they missed me.

I had been beating myself up most of the night last night for yelling at them and just generally being a "bad mum" yesterday afternoon, but that was all forgotten. So I realised that I mustn't be doing such a bad job after all and that they do love me .. even if they won't pick their clothes up off the floor!

Invisible woman .. part 2

To the insensitive clod at work:

I know I am a capable, intelligent person and I know that most people who know me see me that way...

And I realise that I am finally becoming more visible as a person and not just as a resource...

...but it still hurts that I seem to have lost my identity somewhere along the line. I know I'm overweight but that doesn't mean that I'm not a woman or that I don't have any feelings.

There are just some things that you don't say to a woman, even if you consider her a friend, and especially not in front of a room of people. The statements may be true, but please think before blurting out things like:

"Even fat chicks need loving. Isn't that right Donna?" and

"Why would a guy marry an overweight woman? There's got to be something better out there somewhere."

I know in my head that this is reflection of you and your attitudes, not of me personally, but the emotional response is far more powerful than the rational response will ever be.

I am just grateful that I am now a bit stronger than I was a few months ago and managed to hold it together enough to give you a glare that should have melted the paint off the wall behind you. Hopefully some of the power from that glare has permanently sterilised you or at least caused some lasting pain in your nether regions! (Then again, maybe that was caused by the rather severe verbal emasculation you received from numerous sources after sharing your little pearls of wisdom).

After thinking it through (and banning you from setting foot in my office ever again), I have come to the conclusion that I actually pity you and your small mind. You don't seem to realise how much you are depriving yourself of with attitudes like that. I wonder if your wife realises just how shallow you really are. Best of luck for the future because you are going to need it.

Yours sincerely,

An intelligent, caring, capable, accomplished woman

(despite my weight!)

Easter and my Dad

I had often wondered how the date of Easter was worked out and knew it had something to do with the lunar cycles, so I finally googled it and found this:

Prior to A.D. 325, Easter was variously celebrated on different days of the week, including Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. In that year, the Council of Nicaea was convened by emperor Constantine. It issued the Easter Rule which states that Easter shall be celebrated on the first Sunday that occurs after the first full moon on or after the vernal equinox. However, a caveat must be introduced here. The "full moon" in the rule is the ecclesiastical full moon, which is defined as the fourteenth day of a tabular lunation, where day 1 corresponds to the ecclesiastical New Moon. It does not always occur on the same date as the astronomical full moon. The ecclesiastical "vernal equinox" is always on March 21. Therefore, Easter must be celebrated on a Sunday between the dates of March 22 and April 25. (http://wilstar.com/holidays/easter.htm)

So now you all know too .. if you didn't already!

My dad always told me that in the northern hemisphere, specifically England, the vernal equinox is regarded as the first day of spring. He said he had only ever remembered that fact from school because the 21st of March just happened to be his birthday!

Speaking of my dad, last Friday would have been his 62nd birthday. I still can't believe that it's been almost 8 years since he died. He was a really wonderful human being and an even better father. I have so much to thank him for and continue to do so, even though he's not physically here with me. He was always there for us, not necessarily in the way we wanted (grounded for life rings a few bells), but now that I'm a parent myself, I can understand almost everything he went through. I am so grateful he chose Mum and I to spend his life with and that he gave me my little sister who is so like him at times, it's scary.

I know he wasn't perfect .. no-one ever is .. but everything he did came from love and wanting to help us grow to make the right decisions for ourselves. He certainly didn't agree with some of them, but he was able to admit when he was wrong and we were right. Not straight away mind you .. it often took a while, but it would happen. In those cases when we were wrong and he was right, I don't think I ever heard him say "I told you so" or "it serves you right". He would just be there on the sidelines waiting to help if we wanted or needed him to.

I really miss just talking to him. We could talk about almost anything. I am very much like him in that I can converse on just about any topic without appearing a fool, but he had the whole thing down pat. He could walk into any room and fit right in, whether it was high society or blue collar. I always admired him for that and his ability to put people at ease.

I'm not 100% sure in what I believe happens to us after we die, but I like to think that wherever he's ended up, be it heaven or as sub-atomic particles floating in the ether, that he's watching over us and that he's proud of himself and the example he set us.

I miss you so much Dad and so do your boys. Love you.

A very wise woman said to me ...

"THE DESTINATION IS NOT NEARLY AS IMPORTANT AS THE JOURNEY ...

I have come to conclusion that waiting for something "great" to happen is really rather stupid - I miss so much while I am waiting!"

A variation on "Happiness is in the journey, not at the destination" but just what I needed to hear at this exact moment in time!

Thanks Deb.

In the mood for unloading ...

See, I knew this would be an interesting can of worms to open.

I don't know if it's the fact that most of the "real" people I know will probably never read this, or if I really don't care if they do, but now I have the urge to just pour it all out. Warning, this could get long, involved and possibly messy!! I have issues .. lots of them .. the main ones being depression and weight.

I have suffered with low-grade depression for years, many of them without realising it was a medical condition and not just my warped perception of the world. I feel really, really bad that I don't remember most of my boys' early years due to PND, and that I'm still riding the roller coaster of emotions, which is bound to be affecting them and their world view. Medication helps, but it's still there. I can remember my mother riding the same roller coaster, and not knowing what to expect at times. My mother says she can remember her mother doing the same thing. I just hope and pray that I haven't passed this on to my boys. Mum's brothers are fine so there's hope yet ... or maybe they just don't talk about it. Every silver lining has a cloud...

Part of the reason for me feeling invisible is that I'm fat. Not just a couple of kilos overweight kind of fat. Morbidly obese, according to the height/weight and BMI charts. Have you ever noticed how normal/thin people don't look fat people in the face or the eyes? It's very isolating. I'm not seen as a woman, I'm just the "go-to" person .. the person you go to when you need help or answers or, in the case of the kids, food/clothes/toys. I know the reason why I'm too fat .. too much comfort eating, not enough movement .. but I still self-sabotage every step of the way. I'm working on it, but it's really hard. My boys love me, as does my very patient husband, but I don't love me the way I am. Something else I'm working on ...

Okay, now I've got that off my chest, I will lighten the mood a bit from here on in. Thanks if you stayed with me this far .. if there's even anybody reading.

Invisible woman

You ever have one of those days/weeks/months where you just feel invisible? When no-one seems to recognise your hard work or even acknowledge your existence? Well, I've been having one of those for a while now but the sun broke through the clouds a little yesterday and then again today.

I had a few days off from work and the welcome back I got yesterday made me realise I'm not invisible or unappreciated at all. Also made me realise how much I actually enjoy going to work .. not for the actual work, but for the company of the people. It's kind of like a big family .. you know: mostly people you would choose to be around (at least some of the time) with the occasional one you would gladly give away to the nearest travelling circus or failing that the nearest loony bin!

It is hard juggling work, the boys and Peter when he's home, but I think I would go mad if I didn't have that outlet. Admittedly, none of the people at work see the "real" me, issues and all, but it's still good to get out of the house and face the world.