Saturday, 22 November 2008

Dear Donna,

This is the Universe. I just thought I'd write and remind you of the following things while you look after the two extra children this week:
  • There is a reason you stopped at three children. Do you remember why now?
  • 5 boys in one house = NOISE and lots of it!! Well duh!
  • 5 boys = 'interesting' conversations about things like masturbation, penises, farts and other bodily functions, all at mealtimes. Get over yourself and just eat the food so you can get out of there!
  • 3 boys with varying degrees of autism = heightened frustration levels and lowered tolerance for each other. Suggesting they move the fight outside so they don't get blood in the grout is going to achieve nothing but blood on the pavers. Sarcasm doesn't work .. try to remember that!
  • Bedtimes are not a vague suggestion. Make them law and make it now!!
  • Trying to explain why it is not International Opposites Day is pointless and a waste of your precious oxygen. Save yourself the bother and just hold your breath until you turn blue or pass out. Or even better do both and see what happens. On second thoughts, don't do both. You're still waiting for the ambulance bill from last time.
  • 'Inside voices' are a concept of the past ... and they weren't ever fully comprehended then either. Use earplugs.
  • Even though it feels like it, you are not in a reality show version of 'Lord of the Flies'. If you were it would be worth a small fortune in danger money. Just hide as much as possible.
  • Shopping with two autistic, hyped on sugar 13 year olds is not conducive to your mental health. Shopping with your own three children will not seem so hard in future now, will it?
  • Just because a child has a phobia about showering at other people's houses doesn't mean your bathroom is a cesspool of infection and filth .. especially since you know you just cleaned it yesterday. I'm just messing with you by making all the spiders come out of hiding every time that particular child sets foot in the bathroom. Give me a break .. I've got to have some fun.
  • Any damage you do to their psyches probably won't be traceable back to you by the time they start going to therapy, but try to organise a bulk discount deal with the local psychiatrist just in case.
  • Your tolerance level is higher than you think .. most of the time. For those other times, have chocolate or Bailey's handy.
  • Console yourself with the thought of all the good karma you're earning by helping out a friend in need. Of course, most of it will be cancelled out by the evil thoughts you're having of burying five children up to their necks in the backyard, but hopefully you'll come out in front.
  • You can, and will, survive this week. Whether you'll still be sane is up for debate but then again, so is whether you were sane to start with.
  • You will not resort to medication for either the children or yourself. Oh all right then ... maybe just a little for yourself.
  • They are all good kids .. in the grand scheme of things. Then again, so were George Bush and Saddam Hussein and look how well they turned out. Keep praying!
  • Their parents will be home on Saturday, barring flight cancellations or any other unforeseen delaying tactic, and then you will be back to your 'normal' life ... as normal as it ever gets .. just in time to go out with your workmates to 'the' Christmas party.

Please continue with your happy pills and we will commune again at a quieter time ... a much quieter time ... when the planets have stopped trying to shake themselves out of their orbits to get away from the noise.

Insanely yours,

The Universe

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(and no, ^they^ aren't hugs; they're some more happy pills .. one for each day left .. just in case!)

1 comment:

Lita said...

ROFL Oh you have such a way with words!