So many things to do ...

and never enough hours in the day to do them all.

Well, that's not strictly true.  There are plenty of hours; it's just that I have a tendency to waste use them differently .. like instead of painting my many, many walls, I spend hours and hours 'some' time playing mindless games on the computer. Or instead of actually making some of the wonderful things I keep pinning, I keep pinning and dreaming of making some of the wonderful things.

As I followed along with the blogosphere with my last post, I figured I would do the same with this one.  (Be gentle please, I'm trying to find my mojo again).

So I can hear you asking:  What is my resolution for 2014? (And yes, I did mean to type resolution .. as in single, one, only, not-setting-myself-up-for-total-failure-this-time, forget-the-diet-and-get-fit-bandwagon, solitary and much-easier-to-cope-with).

Nice and simple answer:  I want to do more this year.  By more, I mean detach myself from all of my electronic distractions (yes, I realise I'm on one now .. sssh I'm on a roll!) and actually start (and hopefully complete) more craft projects, more DIY stuff around the house, more gardening and more just being without a screen.

In theory, this sounds really easy but it's rather hard at times to put the devil electronic distractions behind me and focus on the real world. It something I keep telling my boys to do (go outside .. the graphics are better!) but haven't done myself. What's that old saying .. children learn what they live? I obviously am way more addicted than I thought I was if their addiction are anything to go by ...

The point of no return...

It has been six months since I started at Austral and I am now officially off probation.

I don't know whether to be relieved or amused that the boss didn't even realise I was on probation until I pointed it out to him at our last snooze-fest meeting. All the other managers/supervisors said they were aware of it (due to it being standard practice) but, as the probation goes both ways (ie. me giving them a trial too), they were hoping that if no-one mentioned it, I would be happy to stay. Nice to know I'm wanted.

I do enjoy the job and like (most) of the guys, but I am now at the stage of feeling settled, while at the same time feeling like I'm on auto-pilot ... and not just at work.

I have nothing but admiration for single mums who do all this on their own as well as all the other mums in similar situations to mine (hubby working away and working full-time themselves), but at the moment I'm not thinking about them. It's all about me people!

Auto-pilot is dangerous for me as it usually precedes a lower than usual depressive episode. The fact that I have resorted to my old organisational quirks to try and feel in control of my life is a bit of a concern too.

The boys think it's funny when Mum makes the clothes pegs match each other as well as the clothes they are pegged on.

And apparently it's hilarious when Mum makes sure that there are only white pegs on the clothes airer and a certain number per rung at that.

And then when she organises the pantry so everything is organised by type of goods and then size of box/container, they are almost in hysterics (until they are told that they now have to wash all the Tupperware containers they put back in the pantry empty!)

However, it's not so funny when Mum can't be bothered getting out the bed she has crawled into after work to make them dinner.

And it's not funny when there's no clothes to wear because they're all still sitting in the washing machine after being washed for the fifth time without being hung out.

And it's definitely not funny when Mum totally loses her shit and yells about every.little.thing (real or imagined) that should have been done but hasn't or hasn't been done right or hasn't even been thought of yet but why haven't they read my mind and done it without being asked.

Luckily, I am not as the stage of crawling into bed as soon as I get home or of yelling at them for anything and everything. I am aware of this particular slippery slope and am making more of a concerted effort to keep myself upright and moving forward; not downward.

I am not as terrified of showing people the 'real me'; the one that occasionally doesn't cope too well with the whole situation; the one who sometimes just wants everyone to just go away and leave me alone.

However, it is still hard to not feel alone and isolated; still hard to ask for help when you don't know what would help; still hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other even though you know people are depending on you; still hard to put on your game face and get out into the world.

I came to the realisation the other day that I am way more like my mother than I would like to be. Depression is hereditary after all. But hopefully my awareness of my own triggers and warning signs will ensure that they aren't too affected by my issues. Hopefully it will make them slightly more sympathetic to those who struggle with issues of their own (be they mental, physical or emotional).

Hopefully my boys will be OK.

Channelling Ke$ha this morning ... "This place about to blo-ow"

I am going to kill the child. Feel free to guess which one!


Sorry, that is supposed to be:


I shall not kill the child. I shall not kill the child. I shall not kill the child. I shall not kill the child.


The only thing saving him at the moment is the fact that I have to go to work. I will however be phoning the school to confirm that once again, he has failed to complete a homework assignment and that they (once again) have my full permission to punish him as they see fit.

I'm at my wit's end with this child.

How can I help him to see that he is only hurting himself?

That even though I am the one ranting and raving, that it doesn't really affect my life to the same extent it does his?

That despite the fact that I understand that homework is, at times, both boring and seemingly pointless, he still must do it and hand it in, on time?

I'm sure he is sick to death of me saying that it is all up to him and then proceeding to make him sit down and produce something just to get me off his back.

I'm sure that the teachers think I am an ineffectual parent who isn't doing anything about this situation.

I see them look at me in disbelief when I tell them how long I sit with him (sometimes 5 or 6 hours), only to get a paragraph or two of actual work down on paper.

I'm sure they are thinking that I am exaggerating for effect, pity or attention when all I am doing is asking for help in how to get this child to complete the tasks they have set.

I wonder how he is going to survive in the 'real' world out there without me to poke, prod and push him to 'get with the program' and to explain the subtleties of human interaction.

It all comes down to just one thing really ... I'm scared.

I'm scared he won't be able to provide for himself.

I'm scared he will get himself into dangerous situations that he can't talk himself out of.

Sometimes, I'm scared that I haven't done enough to help him and at other times, I'm scared I've done too much and prevented him from learning a valuable life lesson. Then I think that he probably wouldn't be able to apply that lesson in another similar, but different, situation anyway.

It's not that I'm not worried about the other two boys .. I am .. just not to the same extent.

Is this because he is my eldest or because of the autism?

Is it due to our personalities being similar and really being able to understand his point-of-view?

Or is it just because I'm a Mum and that's what we do?

A little request when you're doing your Christmas shopping (or any shopping really) ...

Big confession here: before I had kids I was one of those people who would shake their head and tut loudly at other people's children being loud/naughty/disrespectful in the shops.

I would sometimes even catch the eye of the person next to/in front of/behind me and make a comment along the lines of "I know what I'd do to the little darling" or "why doesn't the mother do something?"

I would vow and declare that none of my kids would ever dare to behave like that in public. Even after I had my kids and ended up with an Olympic class tantrum thrower (Karma really does come back to bite you doesn't it?), I would still wonder at the people who just stood and ignored their child's behaviour and silently mutter a pox on all their houses.

But somewhere along the line, I realised that everything is not always as it seems. Children who look 'normal' quite often have little (or not-so-little) issues that aren't immediately obvious.

I think having a child with autism, admittedly very mild autism, but autism nonetheless, has encouraged me to, when faced with difficult behaviour, take an extra deep breath, count to five, breathe out slowly and smile. Key word there is smile .. not sneer, grimace, frown, snarl or any of the other negative possibilities. It may make you seem like you've escaped from a lunatic asylum, but realistically, you're shopping at Christmas time .. you've escaped to a lunatic asylum!
(The anti-depressants have also helped majorly in my case ... I'm no longer at risk of expelling my vocal chords out of my throat and onto the floor due to screaming at the children. I can usually deal with most things in a relatively calm and rational manner. Now I just have to worry about my mind wandering .. it's too small to be out wandering on it's own!)

Now I know that at this time of the year, there will be heaps of 'little darlings' everywhere you turn and there will certainly be a hefty percentage of spoilt rotten little brats chucking tantrums to get what they want. You'll usually be able to hear them the second you walk into the shops and you will probably know their name within the first ten seconds as their parent or guardian threatens increasingly dire consequences if they don't "stop.it.right.now!"

However, there will also be a much smaller group of kids whose parents are seemingly ignoring the escalating wails or throwing of things out of the trolley. These parents may look slightly shell-shocked, have a look of steely determination or one of total resignation. Some of these parents are trying out a new tantrum control method (usually on their under-3-year-old) and the rest of these parents are probably like the long-suffering woman I saw at Kmart last week.

She had three children, two boys and a girl, all still in their school uniforms and all between about 7 and 11 years old. Important note here: all the children appeared 'normal' and by that I mean no obvious physical disabilities or any of the more common signs of mental disabilities.

The boys were waiting patiently for their turn to have their items scanned while the girl was chucking a major hissy fit about having her shopping taken out of her bag to be scanned by the very annoyed checkout operator. Her wails of displeasure were getting louder and louder and people were turning to stare and starting to mutter those immortal words of "what that child needs is a smack", "spoilt brat" and the perennial favourite of "I know what I'd do to her". I have to admit, I was getting a bit annoyed myself as I already had a headache and the noise certainly wasn't helping.

It was at that point that I saw the despair on the mother's face as she registered all the murmuring and tried to restrain the little girl from taking one of her brother's toys to put in her bag. I then watched as she leaned down to the oldest boy and said quietly "you know she doesn't understand, don't you? Thank you for not yelling at her and making it worse."

I then realised that in all the noise, I hadn't heard the girl speak a clear word; it was all just noises of distress. The mother was trying to apologise to the checkout girl for the noise by explaining that her daughter was autistic, couldn't speak and didn't understand why she had had her shopping bag emptied. (If the checkout operator had moved faster than the speed of dead and allowed the little girl to put her things back in her own bag, instead of insisting that they all go into a plastic bag, most of this could have been avoided!)

Due to the level of noise the girl was making, no-one else heard the explanation so the muttering and murmuring was still going on. I turned away, feeling suitably chastened as I had 'been there, done that' and knew how it felt and was silently beating myself up for not being more understanding in the first place.

The woman next to me, who had been waiting there with her three perfectly-behaved Stepford children, caught my eye. She frowned, shook her head and said "I know what I'd do to her".

My reply? (said loud enough for all to hear)

"There's no point in smacking her. She's autistic and doesn't understand."

Most of the murmuring stopped immediately and there were a few other chastened faces in the crowd.

Feeling a bit embarrassed for having spoken up, I turned around just in time to see the look of relief on the mother's face. I shrugged and smiled and watched as she walked away with her daughter now happy because her shopping bag was once again full.

So to get back to the request I mentioned in the title:

When you see a 'normal-looking' child misbehaving or making a lot of noise for what seems like little reason, remember, everything isn't always as it seems.

Stop, take a deep breath, count to five, exhale and smile. If you can't do that, walk as far away as you can.

And give the parents the benefit of the doubt. (I wish more people had done that for me!)

They are doing the best they can.

Notes from the Universe ...

I don't know ...

• if I'm cranky because I'm tired, stressed about the home open tomorrow or not eating the right foods. I just know I'm cranky!
• why I continue to do things that I know are bad for me. I just know that I need to change the habits of a lifetime and it's hard.
• how Alex manages to be so helpful one day and so darn irritating the next. I just know today is 'the next'.
• where this year has gone. It seems like only yesterday that the boys were starting the new school year. I just know that the year is flying by way too fast.
• why Bradley has been so cranky with Alex (and to a lesser degree, me). It's not for the usual reason (bowel problems) so I'm at a bit of a loss. I just know he needs to change his attitude soon or there will be serious repercussions.
• what we're having for dinner tonight. I just know they will want to be fed .. yet again!

A recipe ...

... for a lovely picnic for Mother's Day a very stressful day.

Ingredients;

Absent husband (due to being away for work)
Me
11 year old boy
almost 13 year old boy
14.5 year old boy ('Slightly' autistic is best. Even better if you can find one with ADD as well!)
My Mother
Sister and Brother-in-law

Method:

Mix Me, Mother and Sister together to make arrangements for a lovely day out at Araluen Botanic Park for a BBQ and picnic to celebrate Mother's Day. Bask in glow of expectation of nice day out, in good company, with good food.

For the week before, prepare 14.5 year old repeatedly for the prospect of going out in public with no electronic device to entertain him or bed to throw himself onto when he doesn't get his own way. Repeat process (and expectations of behaviour) numerous times in days leading up to minor 'obviously huge' event.

The night before, ensure that 'Me' gets little sleep, due to a bed-hogging 11 year old and a slightly totally psychopathic dog, who barks like the four horsemen of the apocalypse are trying to break in at 2:30AM, when it was just a pot plant waving in the breeze outside the window. Allow 'Me' to feel small amount of resentment towards peacefully slumbering children, especially the 11 year old who is hogging all the blankets and most of the space in a queen size bed.

Have 'Me' return to bed, only to toss and turn for at least an hour before finally falling asleep. Allow 11 year old and 12.5 year old to energetically wake 'Me' up at 7am with many hugs, kisses and several gratefully received and appreciated presents, followed by 14.5 year old making his way into the room resembling a drugged sloth soon after. Enjoy some family bonding time before going to have breakfast at McDonald's.

Have 'Me' fight through the crowds at the bakery to get the boys the treat food they have requested for the picnic then have a mild panic attack at the prospect of not being able to purchase the main item 'Me' was asked to bring: hot dog buns. Relax slightly when hot dog buns are found, then make trip to pick up 'Mother.'

Enjoy short visit with 'Mother' before 'Mother' being interrupted by a somewhat upsetting phone call. Console 'Mother' then corral boys and 'Mother' into car and drive to picnic destination. Endure constant repetition of "He's in my space", "He's touching me", "Now he's leaning on me", "Mum, make him stop touching me!", "I didn't touch you! I invaded your space but I didn't touch you!" from the boys and "how much longer?" from the voices in Me's head.

Park car and let out the passengers. Find nice picnic spot and settle in for quiet, enjoyable time. Upon review, realise that the 14.5 year old has managed to combine teenage attitude, over-stimulation by somewhat busy surroundings, a sense of deprivation at being removed from the usual mind-numbing electronic entertainment and mild hunger, with his autism and ADD.

Prepare 'Me' for 'not-quite-so-relaxing picnic' and then rapidly downgrade to 'Lord-grant-me-patience-because-if-you-give-Me-strength-he-will-die!' Make allowances, within reason, for 14.5 year old's repeated button pushing as well as physical pushing of 11 year old and almost 13 year old. Allow 14.5 year old to play in creek until large rocks start rising from water and landing too close to picnic table. Distract 14.5 year old and endeavour to keep entire party on even keel.

Soon after, adjust 'Me's mental state to one of 'ignore-ignore-ignore' then pray for people hogging BBQs to hurry up so 14.5 year old can be fed something other then simple sugars. Praise 'Mother' for pushing her way onto corner of BBQ plate, then curse laws preventing BBQ from being hot enough to cook sausages in less than 30 minutes. Finally mix 14.5 year old with food then pack up so 'Me' can retreat to sanctuary of friend's house.

Place boys and 'Mother' in car for return trip. Endure another round of "He's in my space", "He's touching me", "Now he's leaning on me", "Mum, make him stop touching me!", "I didn't touch you! I invaded your space but I didn't touch you!" from the boys before depositing 'Mother' at home.

Reluctantly decide that 'Me' would not be very good company right now, due to lack of sleep and homicidal tendencies and retreat to study to write long, whiny blog post. Insert occasional verbal outbursts about extreme level of noise and lack of chores being done, then stew for an hour or two. Cook dinner (or not!) then send boys to bed before their normal bed time. Sit back and try to enjoy 'Bones' on TV without falling asleep.

Happy Mother's Day!

Sometimes I ...

• ... don't answer the phone at home because I just want to be left alone.
• ... wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't been able to have the kids (as the doctors predicted!)
• ... let people take advantage of my generous nature and I always end up angry at myself for letting them.
• ... wish I had travelled more on my own before settling down.
• ... hide special treat food from the kids just so I can have it to myself.
• ... wonder 'what if this is all there really is?'
• ... just have to laugh at the stupidity and ignorance of the people I seem to encounter on a regular basis, but only because homicide is still illegal.
• ... just don't want to and you can't make me!
• ... wonder when I got so cranky.

Letters I'd like to write ...

also known as: "things I have to stop myself from blurting out in case I get hurt".

• to the man sitting at the traffic lights: putting your window all the way up before picking your nose does not make you invisible. Incredible as it may seem, glass is actually transparent and we could all see exactly what you were doing. Thanks for that .. NOT!!
• to the parent who flipped me off in the drop-off lane: I'm so sorry I dared to indicate my intention to move out in front of you and then, after seeing you stop in the through traffic lane to let your children out (naughty, naughty .. very dangerous!), pulling out in front of you, leaving at least four car lengths between us 'just in case'. Good thing I did, as how was I to know you were going to roar up behind me and do your own little impersonation of the road runner .. beep beep! Next time, I will make sure you have exited the drop off lane school zone hemisphere before I even attempt to do things by the rules.
• to the rude little 'darlings' who (a) throw money across the counter at me, (b) grunt and scowl at me when I wait for you to pick it up and put it in my hand nicely and (c)conveniently forget all semblance of manners in the process, all while I'm on canteen duty: do that again and I will ensure I personally squash, mutilate, mangle and otherwise destroy every item of food you wish to purchase. Oh and I might just forget my maths and give you the wrong change .. not that you'd notice because you're too busy being up yourself!! (disclaimer: most of them are really good and have had manners instilled into them. There's just a select little group who think they are above interacting politely with the 'help').
• to the woman who snatched the shopping trolley out of my hands because she "saw it first": I realise that getting a good shopping trolley, one that goes in the direction you want it to, is becoming an increasingly rare occurrence, but snatching it off me .. did you really need it that badly? And how stupid did you feel when it turned out to be a dodgy one that I was just moving out of the way to get to the decent one behind it? Karma, lady .. go look it up!
• to the young people wearing clothes that are totally the wrong size: I think you should all swap clothes. The guys with pants 3 sizes too big, that hang down to their knees, and the very large girls wearing shorts 3 sizes too small, and therefore so tight we can all see what they had for breakfast the day before, should all swap clothes so that they all have some chance going out in public without blinding all those around them with flashes of underwear or worse! Just a little hint people, underwear is called underwear for a reason!

Thus endeth my gripe session.

What gets your goat? Let me know in the comments .. please?!

Some of the things in my head right now...

I have so many things running through my head right now and have a need to get some of them out so I can filter through them all to decide what's actually important. Apologies to those who were hoping for some profound words of wisdom (snort!)

I have been seeing a hypnotherapist to try and help me with my weight issues. Despite having the lap-band, I have managed to persist with my old, bad habits of comfort eating and making the wrong food choices. This morning I made the decision to stop seeing her as I haven't noticed any improvement in these behaviours and really can't justify the cost involved, especially as I don't get any money back from my private health fund. I'm sure that if it was working, I would find a way to pay for it but as it's not, I'm letting it go. I have lost 19 kilos but I still have about 25 to go and I need to get myself into the right head space. "If it is to be, it's up to me!"

Bradley's hypnosis seemed to have worked well until the last couple of days. He isn't back to having 'accidents', but is also not 'going' as he should be. Looks like more intervention is required .. oh yay!! (Please note the dripping sound .. that would be the sarcasm!) It's just difficult finding the right balance between too little and too much interference. I don't want to make his body dependent on the medications to be able to function but at the same time, he obviously needs some help or we end up in the emergency room. The possible complications, whilst unlikely, are enough of a possibility to make me want to avoid them at all costs.

We can't really afford to go on our holiday to Queensland but seeing that we would lose all the money we have paid out so far (over $4500), we have made the decision to go and try to enjoy ourselves anyway. We were originally supposed to be going for a family reunion (of all the cousins on Peter's side) but the plans for that never eventuated, so we're just going for a holiday instead. The boys are looking forward to it so I will just put my game face on and get on with it. I realise this probably sounds incredibly ungrateful .. I mean we are going on an interstate family holiday to one of the more popular tourist destinations in Australia .. and I'm sure everything will work out fine but I guess I'm just too much of a homebody at the moment to want to go anywhere else. To quote myself though: "Suck it up, Princess!"

Speaking of money, I really need to get a job. There's not much point in applying for jobs yet, due to the holiday in a few weeks, but I am going ever-so-slightly-crazy being at home. Then there's the whole what-sort-of-job-do-I-want/am-qualified-for, full-time-or-part-time and local-or-further-afield questions to answer. Peter wants me to go back to work full-time but I don't want to do that with him being away so much. I know there are lots of parents, single and partnered, who don't have the luxury of choosing not to work full-time, but I do and I want to be there for the kids at least some of the afternoons during the week. Plus, I think working full-time and dealing with teenage boys would tip the scale so far into the crazy spectrum that it would take forever to tip it back. Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when we get back from Queensland.

I have managed to do some of the things around the house that I have been meaning/wanting to do for ages. You know, stupid things like emptying out cupboards to clean the shelves, organising bookshelves, finding the floor in the laundry .. stuff like that. I have also managed to paint a feature wall in the master bedroom, just in time for Peter to come home and help me to empty the water bed, fix the bed frame and move it all. Here's hoping it all fits and looks good after all that. Next up is painting the boys' bathroom .. the idea of which started the whole bathroom re-tiling saga of 2009 and still has not been started, yet alone finished!

All this introspection has made me thirsty, so I'm going to take myself off to find some refreshingly cold water and then start re-assembling the bombsite that is my bedroom. If you got this far, thanks for listening/reading and hope everything is going well in your respective parts of the world.

So many things ...

• ... running through my head. My mind will just not shut up and give me even five minutes peace at the moment. I need to find my relaxation/meditation CD and just do it.
• ... to do! Where to start? "Start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start." (You're welcome for the tune wedgie!) There's the usual housework (blech!), preparations for Bradley's birthday tomorrow (yum ... cake batter!), pre-holiday planning, homework police duties and the few small home improvement projects to get finished before aforementioned holiday. I think I should make a list and make it my new best friend!
• ... to say. With so many things running around in my head, I need to get some of them out to the appropriate people. Note to self: find tact and diplomacy before attempting this!
• ... to change. Bad habits, paint colours, sheets on beds, towels in bathrooms, furniture, attitudes and menu plans.
• ... to get rid of. How do we manage to accumulate so much stuff? I am slowly working my way through a lot of the stuff we have amassed and am whittling it down to those things that are useful, look good or make me happy. Preferably all three but sometimes just one is enough!
• ... (bills) to pay and never enough money to pay them with. Everyone is probably in the same boat with this one. It just continues to amaze me that with so much money coming in, there still never seems to be enough to go around.
• ... to be thankful for. We have a great home, enough money for all the essentials (despite my whinge in the item above!), our health and, most importantly, each other.
• ... I love. My boys are all such wonderful kids who are turning into lovely young men. Sure we have our moments, doesn't everyone, but they are good people who are trying their best. My husband, who loves me despite my failings and occasional rants. My family, who are always there for me, and my friends, who know all about me and love me anyway!

Random things from today ...

• The towels that I hung on the line yesterday morning (and forgot to bring in until this afternoon) were so dry from being out in the 43 degree heat that they could literally stand up on their own. I wasn't game to fold them in case they broke in half! So what did I do with them? I spritzed them with water and hung them over the clothes horse to dry again .. inside where it's cooler.
• Brutus had his stitches out this morning and he's now officially known as a 'biter'. I did warn the vet nurse that ever since his car accident, he's been 'just a touch' defensive and snappy but she didn't listen until he nearly took her glasses off. Then he had to wear a muzzle so they could finish the job and check on the status of his double ear infection. Never rains but it pours!
• I have managed to organise some of my scrapping stash so that I can actually see what I have. Hopefully this will motivate me to actually scrap something by the end of the week.
• Alex came back from his sleepover at Chris's house and peace reigned for approximately 7 minutes. For once, it wasn't Alex who started the needling; it was Bradley!
• It is now 10:19pm and it is still 30 degrees Celsius outside. I think it is about 28 inside as someone *cough cough me cough cough* forgot to close the back door after hanging the washing out and let all the hot air into the house. You'd think I'd know better by now.
• There is an extra little person in my bed tonight as it is so hot and we have only two rooms with airconditioning (don't know how we survived without it as kids!) Alex and Drew are sleeping in the games room and Brad has crawled into my bed. Here's hoping he stays on his side of the bed this time!
• Need to drink more water fluid Cosmopolitan slushies .. yum!! Seriously though, for all of you who are suffering through this heat with me, please remember to drink lots of fluid, not just water because in this heat, drinking excessively large amounts of water can upset your electrolyte balance (or so my doctor says). I have a headache from not drinking quite enough today, so I'm off to have another glass full and then off to bed.

one little word

This is where 'one little word' all started.

Ali Edwards had the idea to pick one word that summed up what she wanted for herself in the next year. It is an idea that a lot of people have embraced and I have decided to become one of them.

For 2010, I have chosen the word ..

participate

Definition:
participate; verb; to take part, be or become actively involved, or share (in)

Some of the reasons I chose this word:

• I want to participate more in my children's day-to-day lives; be more present and available to them instead of being off in my own little world.
• I want to participate in new activities that take me outside my comfort zone ... like cleaning the house more regularly .. lol!
• I want to participate in the activities that bring me pleasure and fulfilment without feeling guilty or that I'm not good enough.
• I want to participate in a healthier lifestyle and all that entails.
• I want to participate more in activities that interest the important people in my life .. even if they don't particularly interest me.
• I want to make myself participate more in my own life instead of just watching it fly by.

So what do you think your word is?

Random stuff ...

• I have five posts sitting in my draft folder at the moment but none of them 'feel' right so I've buried them for now and will revisit them another time.
• There's only 2 weeks and 2 days until the boys are back at school.
• School and the requisite pieces of equipment are expensive!!
• The dog has managed to leave the second lot of stitches in (so the vet can remove them this time!) and seems to be healing very well. Will know more on Monday when we have his follow-up visit.
• I have been having the urge to be creative but every time I sit at my desk, the urge disappears faster than a child asked to pick up the dog poop.
• Cherries are my (current) favourite food. Just in case anyone wants to buy me some before they go out of season again .. hint, hint!
• Children grow up way too fast!
• We have managed to spend our first night as a family at the block! Pros: the beautiful breeze all night, millions of stars, 'camping' in style with a working toilet! Cons: no curtains (good morning sunshine!!), freight trains, no breeze during the day and did I mention the trains?
• Had another fill put into my gastric band today. According to their (obviously defective) scales, I have lost a grand total of 16.2 kilos. According to my (much nicer) scales, I have lost 18.8 kilos. Admittedly, I weigh myself first thing in the morning, after my morning ablutions, before getting dressed whereas they weigh me after lunch, fully clothed and usually busting for the toilet. (I suffer from timing issues!)
• As much as the boys drive me nuts at times, it has been nice to be able to interact with them more on their level over the holidays. I have made a concerted effort to not have 'No' be my immediate response to any request and as a result have been instructed in the finer points of a few Wii games; played the Monopoly Deal card game, UNO and Connect 4X4; made biscuits with them and taken them out more than I would have done in the past.
• Why do desired plants need water and care to grow but weeds will grow anywhere? To quote my Nanna "A weed is just a flower growing out of place" but seriously, is there a right place for bindiis and double-gees?
• I'm really backing off on a very long-lived relationship with a friend who I thought helped me get through some tough times, but it turned out that they were the cause of quite a few tough times. So, as much as it pains me, I have to say that sugar (as well as his cousins, lollies and chocolate) and I are no longer as close as we once were and will never be again. Some relationships just aren't worth the pain!
• I should probably seek psychiatric help in dealing with the previous comment. As if sugar is going to care that I'm cooling our relationship .. he's got plenty of others on the line!
• On a more serious note, as Haiti and the Dominican Republic share the same island and presumably the same earthquake, why are we only hearing about the devastation in Haiti? Did the earthquake know to stop at the border?
• Facebook is evil, I tell you ... EVIL!!

Out with the old and in with the new ..

...year, that is!

I would like to wish everyone a happy, healthy and prosperous 2010.

May we all take this opportunity to remind those near and dear to us how much we love them, even if they drive us insane on a regular basis.

May we all feel truly loved in return.

May we all try to find the good in the people and situations around us, especially when it is the last thing we feel like doing.

May we all find the things we are looking for in this life, whether it be peace, comfort, love, happiness or just five minutes of time to ourselves to savour the sights and sounds of life.

Last, but certainly not least, may we all have an inspiring year full of love, joy, hope, laughter and whatever else 'floats your boat'.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Rambling thoughts ...

As I sit here listening to my children decimate what is left of their brain cells as they watch The Simpsons yet again, I have many, many thoughts flitting in and out of the bottomless pit that is my conscious brain. For instance,

• why do I let them watch The Simpsons within earshot, subjecting myself to more repetitions of d'oh and the ensuing cackles of laughter than is humanly bearable, when I know I'm going to hear it again word-for-word in the car on the way to school in the morning?
• I'm soooo sick of hearing (and seeing) that stupid AAMI insurance ad with the swans and the cars on the freeway bridge. Luckee-ee-ee you're with AAMI my shiny white backside .. should be luckee-ee-ee I don't know where you advertising people live or I'd come around to your place and subject you to endless repetitions of my children singing your stupid jingle everywhere we go and in Andrew's case, in his sleep, as well as the endless questions about what the actual ad is supposed to be telling people while it's on the TV. (Have to have 'TV' last in that sentence so it rhymes with the luckee-ee-ee part.)
• what on earth have the children been feeding that dog to make him smell that bad? cough, cough, cough ... medic required ASAP!! (Sorry for any spelling mistakes at this point but my eyes are streaming from the toxic cloud floating through the room. Hopefully it won't strip the paint from the walls .. I already have enough painting to do!)
• jeez this muffin tastes baaad! Note to self: when recipe says use a grated green apple, don't try to improvise with a grated red apple that has probably been in the fridge since just after the dawn of time (or has been put back in the fridge at the beginning of last week after spending the week before that in the bottom of someone's school bag), even if it is the only apple you have. Go without making apple muffins if you have to .. make chocolate ones instead!
• I really hope I get a good grade for presentation on the project Andrew handed in this morning. Considering I have no creative inclinations whatsoever at the moment, I think it worked out pretty well for a five minute rush job after a night with almost no sleep due to trying to cough up half a lung and while trying to get the other two dressed enough to go to school, refereeing the inevitable fights over who gets to sit in the front seat on the way to school whilst reminding them that it doesn't really matter who sits in the front seat if they're all dead so just get dressed already or they'll all be going to their funerals in their pyjamas and they better not be the ones with holes in them because I told them to throw those ones out last week and for the love of all that is holy, GET DRESSED ALREADY!
• inhale-2-3-4-5, exhale-2-3-4-5, inhale-2-3-4-5, exhale-2-3-4-5 ... repeat ad nauseum as necessary.
• Ikea should offer a counselling service for people like me, who want everything in the storage and organisation sections but who can't afford to buy it all now, this instant! Nothing OCD happening here people .. move along .. nothing to see here .. except for the whimpering mess under the desk who really wants a whole room full of Billy bookshelves with the extensions on top and the cute little lighting system that suits it so well and some of those lovely frosted-glass-front doors and the big Expedit shelves with the made-to-fit woven storage baskets and the wonderful drawers and doors for the kitchen that close themselves quietly and the drawer organisers for the kitchen and some of those cute little shadowbox frames and ....
• why is it that the child who is forever telling me to not waste water is the one who has the longest showers?
• the neighbours need to pick some different music or change the bass settings on their stereo. It currently sounds like a very unco-ordinated elephant trying to tap dance on a wooden floor .. ooops spoke too soon .. now it sounds like an amplified version of the elephant's heartbeat after attempting aforementioned tap dancing but right before the complete meltdown of its entire cardiovascular system. I could be wrong though .. it might have been a hippo and not an elephant.

And now that I have displayed my state of total lunacy for the entire internet to see, I think I may go take some more cold medication and turn in for the night.

Stay tuned and I'll let you know what I turn into ...

"If today was your last day..."

I have been hearing this song a lot lately but today was the first day I actually listened to it properly.

'If today was your last day' by Nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less travelled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

I have bolded the bits that really jumped out at me and gave me the metaphorical kick-in-the-pants. Being a scrapbooker, I'm not on board with the whole 'leave old pictures in the past' thing and I'm not a believer in going against the grain just for the sake of it but the rest of this song is helping me get my head in the right place.

What songs/music/quotes/verses have inspired or appealed to you lately?

Confession time

I have been asked in the past why don't I post pictures of the scrapping layouts I have done.

Apart from the fact that I haven't actually done any new layouts in over 6 months and therefore have nothing to post anyway, it's due to me feeling that my work was not as visually appealing (and therefore not as good) as others' work or was boring because I'm not into all the flowers/ chipboard/ stamping/ inking/ sanding/ etc. I'm a very linear person (despite all my curves!) and like things to line up, be straight and balanced .. no randomness allowed!

I looked at work done by Debbie, Lita, and some of the people in their blog lists and felt that mine was just not on the same level of creativity. My pages all seemed to be lacking something when compared to other people's pages and I wasn't comfortable with putting anything less than my idea of 'perfect' on show. It made me feel vulnerable and I don't like not being in control .. what a surprise huh?

And then I realised that all of that doesn't matter one bit. It doesn't matter:

• if I'm following the latest fads or ignoring them completely,
• if my pages all start to look the same,
• if I prefer using plain cardstock to patterned paper,
• if I can't bring myself to write/paint/stamp on the surface of my photos,
• if the idea of using 3D non-photo safe stuff on my pages makes me cringe or,
• if a page takes five minutes or five days.

What does matter is if I like my pages and my family enjoy looking at the albums I create for them. After all, isn't that the reason most of us start scrapping in the first place .. to help preserve the memories?

So having freed myself (somewhat) from my self-imposed restrictions, I am going to start scrapping again, using Lita's first sketch as inspiration and hopefully posting some pictures of what I manage to complete. Wish me luck!

Dear Donna,

Hi there! It's your old friend, the Universe, here to welcome you to another week of fun-filled lunacy.

I love watching you on mornings like these when you sleep in .. some of the things you do make me laugh! For instance, did you realise that you have made three cups of coffee this morning and yet haven't managed to drink a single one? The fact that you then made the second and third cups and put them down in the same location as the other one, then absent-mindedly picked up the first (very cold) cup to take a sip out of was hilarious, as was the look on your face!

Congratulations for getting the children to school on time, dressed in the right uniforms and sort-of awake but I will have to deduct points for the fact that you managed to forget two out of three school bags and thereby forgetting two out of three lunches. You really did need that second trip to school to remind you to get petrol though, so I suppose it's all worked out in the end.

On the topic of petrol, it would probably be a good idea to check the fuel gauge more than once a week now that you're driving a much bigger and thirstier car, especially seeing as the other car is filled with donations to charity and you have about as much chance of fitting the kids into that car as you do of fitting into your year 12 Graduation Dinner dress. Having bits sticking out the sides of the dress isn't actually illegal (though it definitely should be!) whereas having parts of the children sticking out of the car is illegal and possibly just a teensy-weensy bit dangerous. Just think of the damage to the paintwork and the upholstery if the children manged to bleed all over it; not to mention the cost of buying one-armed uniform blazers and one-legged uniform trousers.

Now I realise you have a busy week ahead of you, with the tiler doing both bathrooms and the new robe going into Alex's bedroom, but you need to make time for that wonderful thing called relaxing. You have only managed to read 6 books in the last 4 days so you're falling a bit behind. The housework can wait until you catch up. Another week won't really hurt anything will it? With the tiler being there, you won't need to do the bathrooms and I'm sure you can put the slaves, oops I mean children, to work doing the dishes. They dirty more of them than you do after all! So what if there's more of them .. put them to work I say!

Anyway, I had better be off for now to check on some of the other inhabitants of Earth or they may start getting jealous that I only seem to talk to you. Not everyone has voices in their heads to keep them company like you do! Just remember to check with another human before doing anything the voices tell you to or we may have all sorts of issues ... again!

Take care (and your happy pills!)

Love from,
The Universe

Random thoughts..

• Why do children only play with a toy when you threaten to throw it out?


• Why do children's bedroom floors and dirty clothing have such a magnetic attraction happening? Has the earth's magnetic field changed and someone forgot to tell me?


• Where did all this 'stuff' in my house come from?


• If the world spun in the opposite direction, would those of us who are right-handed switch to being left handed and vice versa?


• How come it's so hard for us to train the dog, but very easy for him to train us?


• Do our children think we're really that stupid?