Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Dear Donna, (Part 2)

Hi! This is the Universe again. Just wanted to bring a couple of other things to your attention to help you get through the rest of the week.

  • Remember some of the tips about the noise and people not using their inside voices? They can be applied at work too. Multi-purpose handy hints .. the best kind!
  • Just because the 'interesting' people at work don't have an official diagnosis, doesn't mean you can't use the same tactics on them as you do on the children. You might even find these tactics work better than talking to them as adults!
  • Do not use the same tactics for the intelligent people at work or they will look at you like you've totally lost your mind, which we know you have, but they don't need to have it definitely confirmed now, do they?
  • Arguing semantics with one autistic child is a waste of time. Arguing semantics with three autistic children will send you insane. Bite.your.tongue. (By the way, Bonjela teething gel would be good to numb that hole in your tongue!)
  • Try to not sound so desperate for adult conversation. The telemarketers have put the word out about you wanting to talk to them, so you probably won't be getting any more calls for a while. Even they have their limits!
  • Locking all five boys in one room to settle their differences, and threatening to not let them out unless someone is bleeding, will do nothing to resolve the issues that sent them in there in the first place and will have everything to do with the fact you now have no bandaids left. (Better put bandaids on the shopping list .. you're bound to need some more before the end of the week.)
  • Be grateful there will not be a full moon this week. A new moon should be just enough to disturb their sleeping patterns without sending them completely loco. That's just me having some more fun because the 'spiders in the bathroom' thing got boring.
  • Pokemon, dragons, Yu-Gi-Oh and farts will always be seen as acceptable conversation by this particular group of boys. Talk to the voices in your head if you're bored. They probably make more sense anyway!
  • Boys, well these boys at least, will not voluntarily take showers. The screaming that would ensue from hosing them down outside would probably wake the dead, so remain firm that indoor showers, in the bathroom, in the shower cubicle, with the shower curtain closed and the water turned on, with them using soap and actually washing and rinsing themselves, must be done on a daily basis. Do not use the word 'regularly', as once a week is classed as 'regularly' and that is somewhere you really don't want to go.
  • On that note: be very, very specific when issuing instructions and explaining rules. I realise it is tiring to have to think of every possible interpretation of what you're saying, but for the sake of your sanity, please think it through from every angle. "Yes, you may have some biscuits" is not a good idea if you were planning on having a biscuit with your cup of tea after they've gone to bed, or at all in the next five days. A better suggestion would be: "Yes, you may have 2 biscuits, no more, and they must be eaten before 5 o'clock while sitting at the dining table. Even if you finish your 2 biscuits before 5 o'clock, you may not have any more unless I specifically say you can. This answer applies to you and you alone and is not transferable to anyone else. This answer does not give you the right to tell anyone else to have biscuits or to offer them biscuits. Any arguments and your right to have 2 biscuits can and will be terminated without further notice. If you argue with me about the biscuits, the offering of the biscuits or the place and time of consumption, and you have already consumed said biscuits, you will forfeit your right to have any tomorrow. The day after tomorrow is still negotiable. I reserve the right to make any changes to this answer that I deem necessary and will not be held responsible for there being no biscuits left should they all be gone before you get yours. Now leave me alone with my chocolate. No, you may not have any because it is mine .. all mine!" (maniacal laughter fades out to an ominous silence ...... )

Now that it is perfectly clear that I, the Universe, am as crazy as you are, I'm going to go make some more prickles grow in your lawn .. because I can!

See you in the looney bin,

The Universe.

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